I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
