He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
