sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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