So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
