This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
