wrigley field is MILF paradise
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
