Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
