I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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