I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
