I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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