I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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