I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
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