The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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