Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
barbara walters just said penis...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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