I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
