he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
