At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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