DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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