i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I deserve this hangover.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
