Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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