No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it's like iHOP with fire
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
