weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
