do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
