I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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