Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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