You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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