Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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