The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
