i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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