Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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