There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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