So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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