I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
