the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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