3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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