I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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