her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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