Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
