fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
