I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
