i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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