He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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