I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
