It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
