i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
