I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
