Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
