I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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