So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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