You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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